Flicker
by allekto
Summary: side story to another fic [Flash]... aftermath and other things. bittersweet. standards: yaoi and a splash of yuri. and het too... my my my...


Notes: this is a side-story to another fic of mine titled Flash. If you haven't read Flash, you might want to as some of the things in this fic will be hard to understand.

Warnings: I always write Jun with a foul mouth, so you can only imagine what she's got to say here. Oh, and there's yaoi too… because the world needs yaoi to keep on turning.

Disclaimer: this is where I'm supposed to say I don't own these characters. So, hey, guess what- I don't own these characters.

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Flicker

Jun, Yamato, and Taichi watch as Daisuke departs. Each of them knowing that they have seen him for the last time. He is leaving to be with Ken, he is leaving to face his past, he is leaving to meet his death. The trio sighs collectively as a hush settles over the kitchen. It is so quiet that the noises of the city outside can be heard though the windows are closed. The silence is heavy, thick.

Finally, Jun coughs. "I'm sorry I got so wound up before," she says to Yamato. 

For his part, the blond looks stunned. It seems everyone thinks Jun should be as stubborn as her younger brother. Even if he is only brother in name, not in flesh and blood. "Sure," he finally responds. "I mean, it's okay. It was stuff I needed to hear, I think."

Off to the side, Tai nods and smiles a bit. "At least you finally admitted that much, Yama." When the blond shoots him a withering look his smile becomes a grin- lopsided and goofy. Before he can say more, Jun speaks up again.

"You going to do anything about it?" There she goes again. Being blunt and straightforward, asking things no one else would ever dare to. She is being nothing more than herself. Why hadn't they seen that before?

Rubbing at one of his eyes, Yamato thinks for a few minutes. "Honestly, I don't know. Right now there's so much other shit going on that I have no idea what to do." It is the first truthful answer he has given to a question like this in years. When he feels a gentle pair of hands on his arms, he looks up startled to find Taichi looking at him with tender affection. "What? You knew that."

"It's nice to hear you say it though," his chocolate eyes glitter with varying emotions. "I wasn't kidding earlier- this isn't the end, Yamato, it's the beginning." Leaning up, because the blond has always been the taller of the pair, he kisses his lover's cheek and caresses him.

Rolling her eyes, Jun coughs to break up the all too sentimental moment. It's a little bit more than she can handle. "Sorry to break it up, boys, but I need to look in on the twins, which means I'm kicking you out now."

The lovers look at each other and speak without words. They both feel guilty about the past seven years. The guilt has little to nothing to do with Daisuke, but more to do with the fact that Jun's children could eventually become Digidestined and they have not so much as even introduced themselves. Each man feels his crest welling within him. Though Yamato feels much more strongly on the subject than Tai, he lets the former leader speak. Because he knows Tai can always find the right words.

"Jun," the Child of Courage speaks. "We're not leaving. Not yet, anyway." When the woman he is addressing raises an eyebrow he smiles a bit. "Let me finish- at least hear me out?"

She sighs and folds her arms across her chest. Seven years is a long time, especially when you've been ignored on a consistent basis. However, Jun is forgiving and will listen to them. Ultimately, she might tell them to go to hell, but for now she will listen. "All right, I suppose I can manage. But make it quick, I've got things to do, you know." And she does. There are many things she needs to prepare for, but in all honesty, she doesn't want to think about those things at the moment. Tai provides a welcome distraction.

Tai bows to her, grateful for the opportunity. They had all mistaken Jun for a lightheaded amateur who knew nothing of the world or human emotions. How wrong they had been… "Thank you." Shifting a bit he tries to find the right words. "Your children were fathered by one of the Chosen and stand a very good chance at becoming one of us in turn. I don't know why Koushiro never told us about this. Quite frankly, I'm going to go hunt him down and kick his ass for this, but all in due time, all in due time." Chuckling at his own words, he loses his place.

Sapphire eyes rolling a little, Yamato picks up. "What Tai is trying to say is that they're our family too. Whether any of us are happy with the arrangement or not. And for what it's worth, you know I'm sorry about all of this." He sighs and then continues. "If we weren't telling you this, I think Ken would be showing up here tomorrow saying the same exact things."

Tai nods at these words. "Indeed, he would. Because not only is he in love with your brother, but he's the Chosen of Kindness. It would actually hurt him to not say something to you." Pausing he can see the impatience in Jun's eyes. The copper in them gleams with something he can't define. "We need to spend time with them," he finally states. 

"That's fine," Jun says, voice curt. "But not right now."

"Why the hell not? When the fuck else are we going to start this?" Taichi bristles automatically in response forgetting that the older Motomiya is much harder to deal with. She won't beat him up, but she won't go easy on him either.

"Because they just met their uncle and now he's gone again. Because I'm pissed as hell at their asshole father who won't even so much as acknowledge their existence. Because they're six years old and none of you have ever had the balls to so much as pick up the god damn phone and ask me how I've been since my brother left. So, forgive me if I think you can wait a couple of fucking days before you have Digidestined Bonding Time with _my_ children." There is a flush to her cheeks signifying her anger. And she has every right to be upset. Everything she's said is true, after all.

Before they can say any more she ushers them out saying she'll contact them when she's ready to face the possibilities for her children. The couple promises, in turn, that they will contact her if they hear about her brother. Jun gives Tai a key to her apartment and does not bother to bid them good-bye. One, because she knows she'll be seeing them both again soon. And two, because the anger from earlier is still there. Part of her still despises the Digidestined. For an entire host of reasons. What they did to her brother, how they've treated her, how they pushed out people who only tried to help them… Jun's list goes on for miles of ranting. Although, she'll be the first to admit that some of it- hell, most of it- is personal. Will she ever forgive Koushiro? She chuckles to herself at the thought. Only time will tell on that one. But her thoughts betray her again. Because not only is she losing patience, but she's tired of playing all of his games.

***

Another afternoon comes and Jun is busy thinking again. She wonders if she should call Taichi or Yamato as a precautionary measure, but decides against it. If they have anything to say they'll contact her. Jun is still bitter though. After so many years of being deemed useless or an annoyance, it's hard for her to trust any of the Destined.

Jun tucks Yume in for her nap, gathering the sheets beneath her daughter's chin. Soothing the hair from her forehead, Jun smiles down at her little Cloud. So radiant, so full of hope- how could Koushiro have ever wanted to get rid of these children? The mother glances over at the boy who sleeps soundly in his bed, curled up with a teddy bear. Her attention is pulled back when the little girl asks a question.

"Does our daddy not love us?" The child's eyes are wide, innocent.

Jun wants to react on instinct. She wants to be able to smile and kiss her daughter on the cheek and say that of course their father loves them, but he's a busy man with lots of responsibilities. She can't though. Part of her knows that if she lies now, she will have to face it one day in the future. Instead, she shakes her head slowly. "I honestly don't know, Yume."

For some unknown reason, the girl is satisfied with this answer. As her obsidian eyes- the eyes she inherited from her father- drift shut she whispers, "That's okay, Mommy. You love me and Tenshi enough for a hundred Daddys."

The mother smiles at this. Her daughter doesn't know it, but the implications behind her words comfort Jun. Getting up, she walks into the hallway thinking to herself and speaking aloud as she does. "Of course, I can just see him fucking planning this shit out right now," she mutters. "What would be the one thing they could ask that she could never answer?" Jun tries to impersonate the voice of an evil techno geek- which is how she sees the father of her children. "Ah, I know! They'll ask her if I love them, if I want them- that will do nicely! She'll never be able to answer that one." This speech breaks into an imitation of laughter that lasts only seconds. Stopping in her impression, Jun shakes her head. "He would think of something like that too- twisted motherfucker that he is." Her roaming has brought her out near the living room again, close to the kitchen. "Sick son of a bitch, I can't believe him." Jun is so lost in her slandering that she doesn't hear her doorbell ring, several times. She doesn't hear the subsequent entry of the person who was waiting for nearly ten minutes for the apartment's occupant to let him in. 

She's still ranting and raving when the intruder in the kitchen speaks up. "You know it's a sign of mental illness when you start having full conversations with yourself." 

"JESUS CHRIST! What the hell are you trying to do, give me a fucking heart attack?"

Taichi stands there, wanting to smile but not finding the nerve. "Sorry," his voice is raspy, rough. 

"It's okay," Jun replies holding up her hands. "Just try to warn me next time, all right?" She does not seem bothered by the fact that he simply wandered inside.

"I tried ringing the bell a bunch of times," the man says. In his mind he's trying to find a way to tell her what he is there to say. "Jun," he finally says hesitantly. "Something's happened…"

Her back is to him at this point. She had been reaching for a glass to get him a drink when she hears him say it. Something has happened. And that can mean only one thing. Shoulders sagging in defeat, she feels a sharp twisting in her chest. "It's Daisuke, isn't it?" The words are a struggle to get out.

"Yes." He does not say any more. 

Copper eyes squeezing closed, she knows the tears are falling. She knew he was leaving. She knew he was never coming back. But nothing could have prepared her for the actual event of his death. "He's dead then?" It is the only question that needs answering.

"Yes." Tai's voice is barely audible. One shaking hand reaches out to the woman's shoulder, but never touches it. "I'm so sorry, Jun," he whispers.

"Just get out," is all she can say to him. "You delivered your message now get out. I'll call you once arrangements have been made." As much as she wants someone to comfort her, she knows whatever Taichi can give would only be temporary. Jun needs something and someone that will last. She hears the Chosen leave and finally lets her tears flow freely. 

Moving through her apartment she stumbles to the family shrine that she has kept as a promise to her mother. Pulling out a stick of incense, she reaches for the matches thinking of how Daisuke had been there only the day before. He had been laughing, smiling… how alive he had been. Her hands are shaking as she tries to light the matches. One of them finally catches and she watches it flare to life, the flame flickering in the soft light of the afternoon. Lighting the incense, Jun lets her eyes fill with tears. The liquid saline tracks down her face, hugging the contours of her skin until the drops finally fall from the edge of her jaw. 

***

Yamato looks up as the door closes, seeing Tai with his back pressed against the wood, his eyes are closed. The blond bites his lip, not wanting to say anything. Because he has no idea what he could say that would make the situation any better. After a moment, Taichi opens his eyes and meets his lover's gaze.

"Did you tell her?" Yamato is subdued. There has been something gnawing at him for some time now. Something he needs to talk to Tai about.

The brunette nods. "Yeah, I told her. She took it like a trooper though, I'll fuckin' tell you that much. Just nodded and told me to get the hell out. Said she would call once they know when the funeral's going to be held."

Yamato nods and looks over at his old friend. "How are you holding up, Tai?"

He shakes his head. "As well as can be expected, I guess. I mean… it's so unfair isn't it?" Moving to sit beside his lover he looks into those sapphire eyes, the disbelief in his own quite clear. "He was gone for so long and finally came home and got to realize all of his dreams were coming true and then… and then…" Trying to turn his tears into a scowl, Tai looks away quickly but Yamato catches him.

Pulling the other man into his arms, Yamato strokes his back and hushes him letting him cry out his grief into his shoulder. There are muffled sounds coming from somewhere in his shirt- Taichi is speaking, but the cloth is drowning out his words.

Sitting back, the former leader wipes his eyes with the heels of his hands. True crying is always a messy event. "It's just so unfair," his breath hitches from crying so much. "He didn't have enough time, Yama. He wasn't given nearly enough time."

And then Taichi is crying again, lost in Yamato's embrace. The blond simply holds him and thinks about his words. He's right, naturally. Daisuke wasn't given anywhere near enough time to live the life he should have had. Tears pool at the corner of Yamato's eyes and he lets them fall as he whispers endearments and devotions to Tai who is still sobbing into him. They cling to each other; desperate to believe that what they have is worth something. Wanting to believe that their time won't be taken away.

***

It's not until after the funeral that Jun is finally able to contact her mother and inform her of her adopted son's death. They wouldn't have shown up anyway and she needed the time to accept that he was truly gone. Their conversation is brief, her mother understands. The older woman assumes Daisuke must have gotten involved in some sort of trouble, though Jun never sees fit to correct her mother's illusions. Why spoil the memory of someone- even if the memory is wrong?

The funeral itself had been a disaster. Well, not the ceremony but the after show was well worth it. Jun still can't believe she actually hit the father of her children and told him to shove all of his money up his ass. Chuckling to herself she glances over at the twins who now sit in the living room of the apartment. They are content to watch television and have asked no questions about the events they've witnessed. They know their mother will explain to them. Also, they don't quite know who the man at the funeral was or just why their mother was so angry. But, they are only children after all so they are quite content to let everything go for the time being.

Jun goes into the kitchen thinking she should make some tea to calm her nerves and nearly jumps a mile when the door buzzer sounds. Someone is waiting to see her. She figures it's probably Koushiro waiting to chew her out for being such a bitch. Therefore, it isn't a great shock when she holds down the intercom button and speaks to whoever might be waiting. "Look, I'm sure you think I'm big, bad bitch for hitting you like that. But face facts- you're a shit father and you were an even worse lover. I fucking hate you and I don't want you anywhere near my children. Do you understand?" When there is no answer she tries again. "I said, 'Do you understand'!"

For a moment there is only quiet static, the gentle rush of white noise, then a hesitant voice. "Jun, it's Jyou. I actually wanted to talk to you for a minute."

Oh. Well, that's different then. Letting him in, she can't help wondering why he's there to see her. Probably to yell at her about bitch slapping Koushiro in front of their children. When the hesitant knock sounds from the door, Jun throws it open. Jyou is only sympathetic. His eyes are luminous behind his glasses and his entire stance is one of quiet acceptance.

"Are you okay?" His voice is soft. Something about the entire situation rings with a familiarity that Jun is having trouble handling.

"I've had better days. Then again, I've had worse too." She cracks a smile and invites him inside. Once he removes his shoes and puts on a pair of house slippers there is an uncomfortable silence. "You want some tea or something? Coffee maybe?"

"Sure," his voice is still gentle. "That would be nice." There is something… something incredibly sad in his eyes. 

They move into the kitchen and try not to think about the awkward silence between them. But as minutes tick by it becomes difficult to pretend they're comfortable. "I understand Tai and Yamato spoke to you about your children," Jyou finally offers. His words are careful, tones measured, and Jun can sense this.

"About the possibility of them becoming Digidestined? Yes, they did. And then they tried to apply for quality time and I kicked them out." The subject is still a sore one for Jun. "In case you've forgotten, none of you assholes so much as even gave a shit to check up on me after my brother left. Sure, Ken was here but he was so fucking lost in grief that all he did was cry. And even Mimi, when she came, looked like she had no clue what to fucking say to me." Placing two cups on the table she looks at the dark haired man sitting in her kitchen. Leaning back against the counter she waits for the water to boil. "Was I really so frightening that none of you could talk to me?"

Jyou says nothing for a while before finally shaking his head. "No. We were all busy and I think, perhaps, we just wanted to pretend that it wasn't true." He looks up at Jun, dark eyes shining with emotion. "For whatever it's worth to you, I am sorry. About Koushiro, about the way we treated you, about all of it…"

Tension seems to ease from Jun's throat. "Thanks," she whispers and breaks eye contact. She gives a shaky laugh and turns to inspect the kettle on the stove. "You know, when I first found out about the Destined I was so jealous. I mean, Dai was always so hyper and obnoxious most of the time. But then he got to be a part of something special… and it changed him. For the better, I guess. He grew up. And you guys were all so close. But I didn't realize until he left just how fucked up you all are." Turning back to Jyou she fold her arms against her chest- defiant to the end. "Is there a reason why all of you are so terminally fucked up?"

The Chosen of Faith takes his time thinking about this. There are so many secrets that he's kept in the name of being a Destined child. However, those things have been weighing on him as of late. Because they are no longer children. Actions of the past come back to haunt everyone- Daisuke's death has been proof enough of that. Sighing finally, he replies, "We were all thrown together in an extraordinary situation and each of us had trouble dealing with it."

"That is such a fucking cop-out answer. I can't even believe you said that," Jun snorts and realizes the whistle has sounded from the stove. Tea time. "Do you take sugar or honey or anything?"

Jyou shakes his head. "Plain is fine. And I wasn't finished with my explanation." Pausing again, he deliberates on his choice of words. The Digidestined have always trusted him in matters of secrets and personal affairs. Still, there were obvious things that managed to slip past him. Koushiro's lack of intelligence and complete lack of emotion. Sora's affair with Koushiro. The fact that Jun was a mother… "There's so much I could tell you," his voice is hushed, pained. "But so much of these things aren't mine to tell." He looks up from his intense study of the kitchen floor. Jun does not look impressed.

"I think," she says curtly, "that you can sacrifice confidentiality just this one time."

Really, as much as Jyou wants to- and his desire for relief borders on desperate- he cannot. Something is telling him that this is neither the time nor the place. He shakes his head. "I'm sorry." Rising from the table, he give the woman who is still seated another deeply upset and somehow gentle smile. "I'm sorry I wasted your time, Jun. I can show myself out." He reaches the door and puts his shoes back on and is halfway gone from the apartment when he hears her.

"Wait!" Jun needs closure on this. If for no other reason than the fact that her children are going to need someone who will understand…

***

Miyako is sipping on a cup of green tea. She's seated in Mimi's living room waiting for her new girlfriend to return home from running errands. The past few days have been hectic for her. First Daisuke, then leaving Ken and the hard-hitting realization that she had never actually loved him. Sure there were feelings… but she had loved the idea of Ken more than the actual person. And not simply because she knew he would never love her as anything more than a friend.

He has been a miracle at living up to his crest. After her hasty apology yesterday, they have spoken. She knows he's gone now. More or less because he said he had things to take care of. She shakes her head. He really is amazing in his beauty and strength. It's a shame they didn't work out. However, Miyako can't honestly say she's disappointed. They do share two children as well as the one waiting to come into the world within her…

Mimi had insisted that she rest after the funeral. Events of the past few days have been traumatic enough that her body is indeed out of sorts. Nothing to really be concerned about, but it's nice to know that Mimi will take care of her. There's a sound from the main doorway and a few muttered curses. Ah, her girlfriend has returned. Rising from the couch, Miyako greets the older woman brightly.

"Anything I can help you with?"

Startled by the soft, sincere voice, Mimi's head jerks up. "Oh no, I've got it. You shouldn't be up anyway- I told you to rest!"

"I know," Miyako argues weakly. "But, well, I mean I was starting to lose feeling in my ass from sitting for so long. And… I don't know," the words drop away. "I missed you, I guess." She reaches out to touch her girlfriend's face. "I'm not used to that really. Ken's always been there, but even that was fucked up in its own right, you know?"

Mimi can only nod. The moment is tender and honest- it's making her eyes fill with tears. When she speaks her voice is thick. "I know what you mean. It still doesn't seem real to me, you know. Like you aren't really here. You're just a dream- someone who I've loved for so long." She breaks eye contact and stoops to gather her bags. Gentle hands stop her, guiding her face back up.

"I'm not going anywhere, Mimi," Miyako smiles, then kisses her new lover. Sometimes second chances can happen in the most unlikely places…

***

Taichi is studying the sleeping blond man beside him. The past few days have been difficult for them. With Daisuke's return, his union with Ken, his death, Ken's disappearance, and a bunch of Digidestined fuck-ups on a cosmic scale. Things still seem out of place, but he is willing to let them slide for now. Yamato's eyes are flickering in that stage between dreaming and waking.

"Hey," Tai shakes his lover a little. "You fell asleep gorgeous. See if I do anything quite that nice for you again." There is a heavy teasing note in his words. "How would you feel about it if I promptly passed out after one of the greatest blowjobs ever?"

"Um, pretty shitty, I guess," Yamato's voice is raspy and his hands are pressed over his eyes. It takes him a moment to process the living world, but when he does it isn't a comfort to him. Sapphire eyes drop and he turns onto his side, closer to Taichi. "Just hold me, Tai. Right now that's all I want." Tears are coming. He can feel them. But he wants to stop them before they're set loose.

Cradling the blond man, Tai smoothes his lover's hair and whispers to him. "Whatever you want, Yama. Anything you need." He can sense something is troubling his longtime love. Whatever it is though, Yamato isn't ready to share just yet. So they lay together trying to comfort one another after such difficult times.

Swallowing back both pride and looming pain, Yamato breaks his silence. "There's something I need to tell you." The words are dangerous, but he feels anxious to get this off his chest. Even though he is anticipating Taichi's absolute anger.

Pulling away from the blond, Tai sits up when his lover does the same and gives him a questioning look. "What's bothering you? You've been so quiet and secretive lately."

This is so difficult for him, and Yamato can only hope he won't lose Tai in revealing the truth. "Promise me you won't get angry," his voice shakes a little.

That makes two dangerous sentences in under as many minutes. Tai stiffens and prepares himself for an emotional onslaught. "This doesn't sound good, Yama. I don't know if I can make that kind of promise or not." When his lover's gaze fixes on him and begs for understanding he amends the statement. "After finding out all sorts of shit about everybody and all the hecticness of everything… I don't know." He's angry with himself now, because he can feel the pressure in his throat. Emotions building and waiting to break.

Yamato can only nod. That makes perfect sense. "Well, I didn't sleep with anybody else or father illegitimate children if that's what you're worried about." Rubbing his nose he realizes he must have started crying already but simply not noticed it. Tears seem to have become a familiarity at this point. "You… when I was…" He tries and fails to put his thoughts into words.

Tai places a comforting hand on his love's shoulder. "Hey, it's okay, Yama. I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here. Take your time." Really though, all he wants is to get these painful moments over with.

"I knew," Yamato whispers. "About Takeru. I knew." Turning his head away, he squeezes his eyes shut in expectation. Surely Taichi will hit him or something. Harsh words or the brute force of a fist to add to all of the guilt Yamato has already piled on himself. When nothing happens, he still doesn't open his eyes. "Tai?"

There is a quiet fury radiating from the brunette. In his mind he's counting. Why, he's not sure- because he knows there isn't a number he can reach that will make all of his anger go away. And he knows his lover is expecting anger, is expecting him to lash out. For once though, Taichi cannot accentuate his rage with punches and kicks. "I'm not going to hit you or anything so you can stop hunching up like that." 

Yamato can hear the strain in the words. "You want to though."

"Yes." At least he's honest. Because he does want to hit his lover. More than anything. But even Tai has to grow up eventually. "How long?"

"Have I known?" Daring to peer over at Taichi, he sees the brunette nod in answer. "Since after…" he has to look away again. "After I was attacked." Words fail him and he feels like such a coward. 

Tai is trying not be explosive in his reaction. "That's a long fucking time to know about all of this shit and not tell anybody." The fact that Taichi feels betrayed is obvious by the way he avoids saying it.

Refusing to cry any more, Yamato runs a nervous hand through his hair. If he cries Taichi will only think he's trying to play up for pity points. "I wasn't sure initially, but then after, when you brought me to the hospital, I heard him talking to someone. He was in my room, on the phone, apologizing for failure. I still don't know who he was talking to." Taking a labored breath, the blond continues. "Then a group of guys showed up, but I was pretending to be asleep still, so I never saw them. I heard him go into the hall, but he left the door open a little bit… He told them they had done a good job, and that he would contact them when he had more work for them." At last, the weight is gone. Yamato is struggling not to cry and he's still refusing to look at Taichi.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" Tai is crying- only a few slow tears. "Why didn't you trust me enough to tell me?" All the anger is gone, now there is only hurt.

Chewing on his lip for a moment, Yamato replies, "I wanted to pretend it wasn't true. I was so scared, and later I guess I just chalked it up to the painkillers." Turning to his lover he takes the brunette's hand in his. "He's my brother. We protected him and tried to keep him innocent for so long, and he was HOPE for fuck's sake. I didn't want it to be true." Now there is only shame and regret in his voice.

"I understand that, Yamato." The use of a full name is a sign that Taichi is about to do something drastic. "I'll forgive you for this, you realize. But part of me wants to just throw you out, to tell you to go back to that bitch of a wife because you deserve her. Part of me wants to just hit you over and over again to beat some fucking sense into you. But I'm not going to do either of those things." Pulling his hand free from his lover's grip he looks away for a moment, then back- straight into those sapphire eyes. "I can forgive you being scared. I can forgive you wanting to protect him. But I can't forgive that you didn't trust me enough to be honest with me, Yamato. That's going to take a long time for me to get over."

The blond nods and pulls away, moving off the bed completely. "I know, Tai. And I don't blame you." Gathering his clothes he tries to keep from shaking but can't. "I'm going now," is all he says.

Taichi only nods in confirmation. He wants to ask where his lover will go, but doesn't. It hurts so deep inside to think that someone he trusted implicitly never returned that feeling. As if Yamato didn't love him, or as if half of him was never there when they were together. Glittering brown eyes watch the blond dress quickly before pausing in the doorway. He has to lower his eyes when Yamato looks back. If he looks he'll forgive him too quickly and he can't afford to do that. A soft shift of air from the doorway, a quiet choking sob, then the front door of Tai's apartment closes. Yamato is gone- for now. And finally, Taichi lets all of his tears out. Because even paradise has its limits.

***

Jyou waits for Jun to catch up with him. She looks out of breath because even though he heard her calling from the doorway he kept moving not stopping until he remembered whom he was dealing with. It's Motomiya Jun, and once she makes up her mind to talk someone had damn well better listen. She's chased him down flights of stairs and out into the main lobby. The gray light from the rain outside makes the space look bleak, detached.

"I can't, Jun," is all he can say to her.

Catching her breath a little she stands tall and looks at him. "Why? Don't you think I deserve to understand? My children are on the line here, Jyou! You can keep them from making the mistakes…" She clutches at the sleeve of his coat, copper eyes desperate.

Turning away, Jyou is awash with shame. She's right, of course. Jun has that tendency it seems. Looking at her over his shoulder then, his heart breaks. And he feels so horrible. Because he hadn't intended to visit her and mention the Destined. He hadn't planned on talking about them at all. No, Jyou just wanted to see her… He's waited a long time to see Jun. Shifting his stance he moves closer to her and cups her face. "You deserve everything," he whispers to her before closing the little space between them and kissing her.

To say Jun is shocked is something even beyond an understatement. Unfortunately, the situation is all too familiar to her and she pushes the dark haired man away. "No! I'm not letting another one of you take advantage of me like this again. I won't," she cries defiantly. "I just fucking won't!" She keeps ranting, not noticing when two strong arms enfold her in a comforting embrace. Or that when Jyou holds her, everything becomes quiet and clear- in the way she's longed for. "Don't you dare fucking do this to me, Jyou. Don't you motherfucking dare." She cries into his shoulder, sobs muffled by his frame.

Hushing her, Jyou strokes her hair and kisses the crown of her head. When she quiets down enough he murmurs to her, "I'm not Koushiro, Jun. That much should be clear to you. I would never do… the things he's done." Pushing away what little anger at the redhead still remains, Jyou strengthens his resolve. "After that first group of us came home I dropped into a heavy depression," he whispers in her ear. "Nothing seemed important- not to mention that I missed Gomamon like crazy." Jyou chuckles thinking of his partner. "It was another couple of years before I started high school and I couldn't handle it. I just felt so useless and pathetic. No one here had any faith in me, that I could achieve my goals. And…" It's so painful to talk about it. Jyou has never told any of the Digidestined either. They confided in him the entire time, but not once did he seek out solace of his own. "So I withdrew from everything. But I needed something, something to make it seem like the days were worth going through. I knew a guy, who knew a guy who got me what I wanted. It started out with little things too. Some uppers or whatever for the mornings. I would crush Adarol or Ritalin and snort it before school." He barely registers Jun's gasp against his chest and keeps going. The floodgates have opened now. "The first time I did coke I was still a freshman- barely, but still a freshman. You can imagine how it progressed over time. Eventually, all the stimulants got to me and I needed something to calm me down. That started the same way. Small step first, you know?"

"Jyou," Jun whispers from her post at his shoulder, "you don't have to keep going if you don't want to." Looking into his dark eyes, she reaches up and touches his face. "But I'll be here for you."

Mists of salt cloud his eyes for a moment as he cups his hand over Jun's. Then he continues his story. "It was pot first. Like everything else, it has variations- and I've done them all: Whet, Chronic, Hydro, you name it. But then, even that wasn't enough. And the pressure kept building for me to get good grades, and support everyone, and be the good son. By then I knew enough kids in higher classes or at the university that had access to medical supplies." Jyou has to stop because the words are choking him. At once, he is relieved to tell someone and so ashamed of what he's done. "My first time using morphine was with a girl who later rolled with me. We fooled around a little bit too- and she would get me whatever I wanted. We tripped, rolled, got high, smoked opium too, and then she got busted for selling. Withdrawal was such a bitch too. I practically whored myself out to get a fix. And that's how I started on heroin." He can't say any more. But he feels the body against his moving, shifting.

"Oh god, Jyou," Jun is crying for him. "I never knew. Why didn't you tell anyone? Why? You could have even come to me. I would have helped you!"

"I think you were involved with Koushiro by then anyway. And, you've got to understand Jun, I couldn't see you. You were the last person I could have faced during all of that…"

"But I'm the first person you're telling now," she says quietly and kisses him. The moment is brief and chaste. When they part, Jun gives a sympathetic smile. "Why didn't you ever tell me, Jyou?"

His smile is equally sad, if not outright painful. "How could I have told you? In the first few times I met you, you were after Yamato. Then everything with your brother happened and we lost touch." The bitterness melts away a bit. "But I did keep track of you. To make sure you were okay. Koushiro still slipped through the cracks on that one though. Honestly, I had no idea about you and him." Cupping her cheek, Jyou smiles when she closes her copper-bright eyes and leans into his hand. "It's funny, because I was going to tell you too, probably somewhere around the time he first came to you- or however it worked." He swallows away the self-pity and anger. 

Still not opening her eyes, Jun moves closer to Jyou. "I almost wish it didn't happen sometimes. But then I look at Yume and Tenshi and I'm so grateful for them. Without Daisuke around I needed someone to take care of and to love. They're so wonderful… even if their father is a self-righteous dick."

"Among other things," Jyou quietly agrees. There are still more things he needs to tell her. After careful deliberation about the others he decides it's worth the risk. After all, he has been waiting for this one moment for so many, many years. "For me it was drugs, 'Kari had an eating disorder, and Iori went into a serious depression for a while too. He had to get counseling and everything. The others, I guess, dealt with things by lashing out at each other." He hugs her close. "In all that time though, I wished I had told you how I felt. I wished that I hadn't become such a monumental fuckup."

Raising her eyes, Jun gives a tender smile. "That's the past Jyou. All we have now is the future. Together. I mean, I can't promise anything now-" A hand covers her mouth.

"Just let me say it," Jyou whispers. He can feel her lips trembling beneath his palm and it makes him smile as surely as if she had been able to give him a promise. Removing his hand he leans further down, closer to her ear, and whispers so lightly the words are almost lifted away on the air. "I love you, Jun. And in time, I hope you can learn to love me."

"I don't really think that'll be a problem," she smiles and pulls him into another kiss before guiding him back upstairs. Her children are waiting for her, and she has a feeling they will like this man. Someone who became so lost in the meaning of who he was that undervalued his place in the world because the lessons learned came from a place equally tangible, but somehow so distant. She will teach him faith all over again- just as she could have taught any of them who needed a helping hand. 

And as the lights flicker in her apartment, in other apartments, all over Tokyo… there are second chances, changes, heartaches, and new lovers. And Jun thinks that if Daisuke can see her now, he must be proud.

*************

awww… So, I had fun writing this- if nothing else. And I know Shinwa is now ridiculously late, but I'm making the new chapter ultra long to make up for that, so another couple days and it too shall appear… Hope you liked this- and on a side note, I really do like Koushiro's character, but SOMEONE had to be the evil bastard here... and I just couldn't make it Jyou. He's too sweet… Review or criticize as you see fit.


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